For the Creation Museum, my friends, holds all the truths you’re looking for if you want to understand the current insanity gripping the Republican Party.
What do you do in the afterglow of weeks spent watching Wal-Mart shopper-sheep piss themselves doing the kung fu Lambada over who gets the newest Rachel Ray crapware to be buried under the Twilight beach towels behind the basement stairs? After watching “tip of the spear” Bandar Bush commence getting his Iran war on? When it was revealed that Yoda was almost played by a monkey in Star Wars?
You go to where it all began, where everybody knows your name — or at least can trace your lineage back to the dawn of the Earth 6,000 years after the end of the last ice age.
With the illustrious Marcy Wheeler in town to cover an appeal by “Undie Bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who had sought to enter the record books as the first to eunuch himself via plastic explosive aboard a transcontinental flight, we decided it was time for a Creation Vacation. So we jumped in a car with novelist K.C. Boyd and headed to 2800 Bullitsburg Church Road.
It’s also known as the home of the world-renowned Creation Museum, and generous provider of the opening to a great book penned by some writer named Pierce called Idiot America.
If you’ve read Charlie’s book, or have been there yourself, then you may have some idea of the place, with its edifying exhibits, naked wax figures and friendly velociraptors. But it’s worth revisiting, while those of us not prone to being imbeciles are locked in mortal combat with professional stupid people calling themselves the “Tea Party.” You know, the Tea Party that probably happened in Concord, New Hampshire with lots of bells and whistles and such.
So The Creation Museum, while being one of the most unintentionally hilarious places you’ll ever see, really should be required visiting for those of us with a still functioning corpus callosum.
When I walked in, I had the very same sinking feeling I used to experience upon entering FoxNews to do a “pundit” debate. It’s like that dream when you’re naked at school and haven’t prepped for the exam. But it in this case, it’s more akin to — Is everyone looking at me because I accept gravity? Do they somehow sense I once lived in Dupont Circle? Are they aware I’ve gone with the chopsticks over the fork on occasion?
For the Creation Museum, my friends, holds all the truths you’re looking for if you want to understand the current insanity gripping the Republican Party. First of all, it doesn’t even try to make any sense. There is a whole section where you learn that until that slut Eve ate the damn apple like she had it coming to her, there was no war! No disease! No drug addiction!
You know what else there were none of according to them? People.
So I’m guessing there were no NFL head injuries or dropped cell-phone calls and Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t yet telling us how much our diets sucked either. Of course, nobody asks these impertinent questions, because Jesus Christ! And you don’t want to get kicked out before you get to grab a soda at the Noah’s Ark Cafe.
You get to watch a film called “Men In White,” which like the Republican Party, only has the white guys in it. Cool surfer dudes (because that’s what the kids are watching on their iPods and Colecovisions!) dressed in white (because they’re angels!) who seem to have a strange homo-erotic attachment to each other and encourage you to question accepted “wisdom” about radioactive dating and Charles Darwin. They ask quite earnestly, with all the “holes” in Darwin’s logic, how can you just take what he has to say on “faith?”
Yeah, how do you answer that, liberal loser?
Of course, like a stall-bound, toe-tapping old git sponsoring a gay marriage ban or a Florida Congressman who thinks you should be drug tested for welfare but dumps his head in piles of blow like he’s Scarface, projection and hypocrisy are not a bug. They’re a feature.
Also, your whole life sucks, white religious family man, because of those nonbelievers. All the bad crap that happens in the world, all of it, is because we have forsaken God.
So when self-professed Evangelical baseball team owner George W. Bush blew up Iraq based on breaking a Commandment and then broke a few more while there? That was your fault…freakin’ liberal Establishment. When guns are consistently put in the hands of people who get their information from Alex Jones and stop the UN from listening to their thoughts by gouging their eardrums with rusty nails? You built that, damn liberal media! All of Chuck Grassley’s tweeting? You did that too.
So you have your fantasy reality, your white privilege, your hypocrisy and projection and your resentment of the “other,” which have ruined their until-you-came-along perfect life. Any of that sound familiar?
One thing they don’t have anymore though, is that awesome dinosaur with the saddle. I blame Charlie and other writers for mocking it so much that it seems the Creationists may have taken it from us. I forgive them though, for they knew not what they did.
And for that, I’m wishing them and Bill O’Reilly Happy Holidays!
Read more: Creation Museum Visit – My Creation Vacation – Esquire
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